juste dormir

It's that time again: insomnia. Might not be the actual thing, at least, it's not as worse as it used to be but frankly I'm having a hard time with "optimism" as of late [re:160106]. À quand les bonnes nouvelles? A few hours ago I did my best to stay awake for as long as I could, finish up some leftover work and call it a night so that I might collapse to sleep... to-no-avail. Enter: me blogging at 3:30am. It's gonna be a tough day. I've been asked to meet with some people on Thursday morning, unfortunately it isn't work related -- it's something else entirely and that might be one big factor in my recent lack of sleep. One day to go then I might have a clearer idea of what I'm dealing with. Hopefully. See? That's kinda optimistic. You know how it is, when you just can't sleep; tossing and turning, feeling cold and warm at the same time, eyes wide open.. mind racing back to memories you'd rather not reflect on. After a few hours go by -- pissed off, get up, turn on some lights, light up a smoke (that's right, make that heart pump faster, that'll surely help you sleep you moron)... and it's not like you can really get anything done at this hour. I'd love to able to dish out a few comps over to some clients (though I did that around midnight) but I can feel the exhaustion burning up my eyelids, it's sick. I'm gonna end this and give it another shot, those of you who have a slight abundance of positive vibes lately, please send some my way. Thank you.

interfere with lovers [03]

Just had to talk about it where applicable; myspace, msg boards, moi-je art-spots etc (by talk I mean shameless self-promotion) then sit back and wait. Waiting for sales is one thing, I won't lie, it's flattering but it's awaiting criticism that had me all nervous. For starters, I wrote to my "mentor" [check out her blog here: Guylaine Couture, it was actually her blog that prompted me to start my own, though mine has no specific subject matter obviously], in a juvenille sense I needed her approval though she could've easily brushed them off, that would've been very appreciated too; meaning that I would've seriously taken it under consideration, but the fact is that she has a genuine love for art and creativity and a true eye for the craft and the process, one that I've rarely seen in any art-related individual, though you might be a so-called "designer", you might not be in love with it as much as she is. I was her student in a few classes back in 2000, her reputation was a scary one, one that faded quiclky when her classes began and she painfully succeeded in giving my brain a major overhaul, but I've given myself goals way back when I was under her schooling that I haven't been able to set in motion since. See she had to erase years and years of my self-established tastes and methods, not an easy task and it took me a while before I realized it too. How comfortable one can be in one's nest -- there exists another palette outside. There was one specific occasion that I remember all too well where she pointed out to every other student in the class, laughing no less, that I was working on a supposedly colorful project on a black and white canvas. I've come to realize that I had to embrace the project's colorful aspects despite my love for a black and white ergonomy, but in the back of my head there is still "logic" in the attempt I had tried though it had to be justified. I saw her shed subtle tears as she was teaching us about a famous designer she cared for that had passed away, she kept me at a sketch table for three non-stop hours dismissing my drafts knowing that I could do better, my brain nearly had a seizure, but that is what she had to do in order for me to change. And this "logic" is what I refer to as safe art, you KNOW i could go all "bad ass" photoshop and add-in multiple layers of this and that, all of my own though, nothing automated from the program itself, but here are six really simple ink/sketch illustrations on one very immoral theme. There's no paint... no design... it's just raw. An art director friend of mine from Arizona jokingly refers to it as "neo-secure" though he says the drawings themselves are dangerous, and not safe at all. So my interpretation of safe is that these are finished projects that really aren't finished at all, it's imposing what I like, I prefer seeing an artist's sketchbook rather than his fully rendered pieces, it's much more lively (but that's just me), I prefer the neutrality of quiet black and white photographies (but that's just me) so why not impose my own? Yes it's easy, that's not the point, and to question the later would be a mistake. That's me on those pieces. And I am feared more than I am loved. So there you go. The reaction was immediate, it's a shame that I can't track where the sales are coming from, but apprently I've touched a few nerves. The subject matter outshined the art itself (thus far) and that is my sole reward. I guess you can see that I've been avoiding any further elaboration on my personal interpretation of the actual subject matter of the interfere with lovers collection, but I will do so next time...

160106

How is your new year so far? Too soon to tell? Does 1999 mean anything to you? Means something to me. So does 1986, 1998, 2002, 2004... I don't believe in patterns. We used to break everything down into cycles, but that's just indirectly surrendering to some sort of specific fate, you know, created by either fearing it or wanting it. In general, people usually remember past years by extremes, whether it was love, loss or any type of significant experience worth remebering (a bad experience is also worth remembering in a way, though you may disagree, if it had any relevance then it probably left some sort of scar). What did 2005 mean to you? What was your significance of the past year? I've been kidding around that my life will be stagnant until 2007, but in a way, I believe this. Now not to contradict what I've stated above, I'm not "expecting" change, but I've just given myself some time. I've set low expectations and so far that's all I got. I'm expecting some sort of repeat of last year, as bland as it may sound. What are your expecations for 2006? Some will argue (and some do) that setting the bar high makes you eventually reach it. I agree. But I can't right now. I find it wiser to stick to what I am sure of. It's safer. That's what I need. Time to heal. Around my neck, there's a necklace that was given to me by déa, a precious gift from back in the day. Sometimes it strangles me at night. Is that a reminder? Do I need an offering for me to be reminded of the loss and the whole story that came with it? No. I remember it just fine thank you. Now apply that logic to the "set the bar high" theory. Yes I agree, f*ck you, I need time. Lovers who shift from one partner to another in a split second aren't worthy to be called lovers. That I will argue with. Not saying that I won't "open a door" if a path is shown to me during the course of year, but I won't be looking for it. What do you think?

get off on non-smoking

May 31st 2006 marks the end of indoor smoking in Bars and Restaurants here in Quebec. We're way behind aren't we? I'm a smoker, I've been smoking for nearly 8 years now. I've quit once, for the sake of my ex-girlfriend, but it never works when you quit for someone else. And now I smoke more than I used to, because of my ex-girlfriend (kidding). Restaurants I can understand, sucks for non-smokers. I'm a respectful smoker. Smoke-filled bars with bad ventilation, even I can't stand it. update: Government Casinos have finally taken steps to build outdoor terraces and get rid of their smoking louges, very surprising. Smoking is an awful habbit, but don't get caught up in this agenda, there are worse poisons all around you, it's called a marketing distraction. I would SLAP anti-publicity people, "la surconsomation", whine, you know what? Why don't you go and concentrate your efforts on the homeless people freezing their asses off in that alley right behind you... doesn't that seem a bit more important and urgent than... a fucking POSTER? What about all those animals in shelters... See? It's a distraction. Smoking is awful, it causes cancer, and they're proving that it causes second hand smoke cancer, my addiction is killing people... What about pesticides over our food? Who's checking that? Satelite and cell phone waves... when is the anti-cell-phone trend coming? When is the government issued human weight decree coming... the anti-fat people law? Sooner than you might think. Just you wait. You're next. On June 1st 2006, I am joining the Anti-Exhaust Movement of Quebec... I don't HAVE a car, why should YOUR exhaust kill me? See, it's a distraction. Meanwhile, it was -25 celcius here last night, how many homeless people did YOU save? It's an extreme, I know. But you can't deny that it's more important. Cover your face, they're doing it again.

"That's what I hate about the war on drugs. I'll be honest with ya. It's what I can't stand. Is all day long we see those commercials: "Here's your brain, here's your brain on drugs.", "Just say 'No'!", "Why do you think they call it dope?". And then the next commercial is ...
"This Bud's for youuuu..." Com'on everybody, lets be hypocritical bastards. It's OK to drink your drug. We meant those other drugs, those untaxed drugs. Those are the ones that are bad for ya. Nicotene, alcohol - good drugs. Coincidentally, tax drugs. Oh, how does this fuckin' work? Thank God they're taxing alcohol, Man, it means we got those good roads. We can get fucked up and drive on. Thank God they're taxin' this shit, Man."

"I don't drink but I smoke. To me that's fair, we're trading vices. But you non-smokers are like, "No it's not! Why should our lives be threated by your nasty habit!". Yeh, but you know what? I can't kill anyone in a car because I'm smoking a cigerette..."

"I smoke, if this bothers anyone I suggest taking a look around at the world in which we live and...Shuttin' your f*cking mouths"
Bill Hicks

py-g-ma-lion

*edited 'pyg' post due to all sorts of misleading searches.