[august 13th / october 21st 2007 edits] | 200 posts in two years ... to those whom I feel are not as sensitive as I -- perhaps never will be -- falling short in search of resolve, compassion and understanding ... all patience lost admist exchanges that would potentially heal wounds rather than open new ones ... absent in the healing process ... devoid of any interest ... how is the view from the glass house / the hat doesn't fit / very little to gain ... where you think defensive and see guilt, I see genuine and exclusive concern ... in love and warmth -- the anchor rose but the failing protector protects you still.
[ TUESDAY, AUGUST 01, 2006 askdfja;sdfjas | I'm not in the habit of breaking traditions but it became apparent that the last thing I needed was an added unnecessary burden. 'Cause that's what it is really; an overall sad experience. I have an endless supply of souvenirs attatched to the event, the area, the atmosphere and so on... but there's that special half hour where it all vanishes thanks to (generally beautiful) explosions in the sky | TUESDAY, AUGUST 08, 2006 96/100 | a result of any learning process; by sharring (semi-vague) observations, which cannot generate additional discussion (dissection) nor debate when one remains hidden in a husk | FRIDAY, AUGUST 11, 2006 97/100 | I can no longer see the view from the photo | SATURDAY, AUGUST 12, 2006 98/100 | There's an antique piano that calls out to me, in an old house, far far far far far from the city's harsh lights. It hums soothing notes of loneliness in basement with souvenirs of the funeral | MONDAY, AUGUST 14, 2006 99/100 | I fail to understand how one would want to ruin such a pure personal celebration -- with someone else's published perceptions. Perhaps this goes hand in hand with my observation that there are lovers out there who aren't really in love, not unlike lovers who shift sporadically from one lover to another aren't worhty to bare the title | WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 16, 2006 100/100 | Still, a poison flows through our veins from the previous generations. I cannot blame genetics for my vice(s), nor do I, but it ads to my susceptibility. And yes, if you cave in to that notion; you inherit it | SUNDAY, OCTOBER 01, 2006 101/200 | the anchor rises -- like it or not | WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 01, 2006 gardennorthlies | This was vital to her, everything had to be on topic... she felt she was on to something and I'll never get to know if she ever got there, who she was, where she is now | MONDAY, NOVEMBER 06, 2006 061106 | The eviction notice came through the mail, in a legal fashion that I can't argue with. I have to go pick it up once I've returned to Montreal. Nothing will ever be the same | THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2006 | Forgiven, but not forgotten (I try, I do). Sentiments so painful and I know it's beyond logic, I'm not one to corner emotions nor weigh them as such (in comparison) but this isn't normal / it is what lingers above me. I never surrender to the sentiment (abandon=adopting) but it is beyond our control at times. It is nothing but a severe slump. I believe things had to change, else you might've found me dead in the cursed bedroom | MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2006 duplicity [02] | It's not really about admitting to the adoption of a faulty (my opinon) moral or trait; it's about knowing who you are. Whether this "value" will have favorable repercussions in the long run is another matter altogether. Nevertheless, better to be aware of your own qualities and faults (however you perceive them) / the duality of superficiality is that life's challenges, lessons and rewards are usually found beneath the surface | WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2006 {adp} | The lingering fatigue in my eyes has merged with my corporate blood-soak-inked signature while I notice that I am nearly outside. So very close | MONDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2006 {wtn} | Where once I could look out the window, accross the garden (as it was on the balcony also but it has turned into a cold lifeless thing), and see the busy street corner, reminding me of the life outside; now I am their window / My close friends have all been either attached or thrown out of this place; I cannot confide in any of them about it without bringing back past scars to life (though I literally live with those scars still, as they perhaps still do, at a distance). But for the record, these halls were mine to begin with and I did behave accordingly | THURSDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2006 {nsstc} | De moins en moins de place pour les notes tristes. Fait moi sentir le mois de décembre pour vrai et/ou viens me voir | THURSDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2006 cried and cried | A precious classic man mourns his loss and mourns silently the missing support he should be getting / A serious offense that I'll remember | WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 24, 2007 new post / click / type | I understand the policy to take a deeper look into these things but it's the outcome that would drive me mad | THURSDAY, JANUARY 25, 2007 I fought the law and Loto-Québec won | The staff locked the doors, regulars standing at the bar, drinks in hand -- the ashtrays came out and we all lit up a cigarette at the bar. Like it used to be | TUESDAY, JANUARY 30, 2007 mend | an ultimately negative result of one's lack of confidence and self-esteem, hence the lenghty (though beneficial) autoanalytical posts shown here | THURSDAY, MARCH 01, 2007 h/e 150 march | Never safe / Soon to change | THURSDAY, MARCH 08, 2007 h/e 153 march | It remains a personal victory to be able to have a non-problematic drink with friends and also being able to honestly enjoy it / But I tell ya, when in times of panic, distress and the occasional insomnia; that fucking liquor will make the problems disapear (though temporarily) and it'll knock you back to slumberland likity split if necessary / F-you, it works / It does! It's bad, it has concequences but on that oh so problematic moment -- it does the job / It's very difficult to ignore this FACT | TUESDAY, MARCH 13, 2007 h/e 155 march | saloppe en publique rarement saloppe au lit | THURSDAY, MARCH 22, 2007 h/e 159 march | And just like a sign of the times (add the weather in there) with the due date rapidly/slowly coming about (which I swear, still does not feel real), I live in surreal excess with borrowed money/time/emotion and I drink/ignore/create as if I'll never be able/available/allowed to when that day comes / [sign of the times = bullshit, by the way] | TUESDAY, APRIL 03, 2007 h/e 162 march | A widespread effect with possible long-term concequences and an exile that should will prove to be beneficial through perseverance and adjustment. Although some ties may be impetouously cut -- it is in no way a permanent severance. Adjusting to the new characters and chapters initiated by an authority that will instantly lose all dominance once the new book begins. Distant locations not distant memories | FRIDAY, MAY 11, 2007 duplicity [04] | A lover can really harm you, it's the ideal offensive but it is always remedied with time (or so you hope, and you should) 'cause ultimately you let the lover in, you've always got your share of the blame | FRIDAY, JUNE 01, 2007 duplicity [06] | In the hour that went from May to June and more to come | MONDAY, JUNE 04, 2007 / june [02] | Making certain that nothing'll be taken for granted / From the northern edge of the arcs to the east, west, south and everything in between; the axis now pulling in my family other than the numerous times you may spot them on the balcony / What they deserve, is more than I can list. This morning, forced into an offensive position, the right words that were juggling inside my head from the past months and years came out as violent loaded guns, there is little left to lose but the little left is worth fighting for | THURSDAY, JUNE 21, 2007 / june [04] In a (the) wide empty living room, under (the) two chandeleers, I set up my work space for the nine remaining days at the most inopportune of times / Loud music will echo naturally within the empty space, under the dim (barely lit) lights / Preparing my own final echoes, hoping they might be hum by (the) ghosts of the past long after my departure. Thank you C & W | THURSDAY, JUNE 28, 2007 / june [06] | Every tenant was invited back, save for one, but she did not enjoy the place to begin with / Even those who never had official residency are leaving so to speak / Not very far though... and not for very long either / Family turns corporate, it's not unheard of / Fortunately however, no one will ever experience it as we did back then / Onto new and better things, you gotta bounce back -- or you can wallow in it for the remainder of your life, which is fine by me, as long as you don't complain about a situation you choose not to rectify | FRIDAY, JULY 13, 2007 h/e 180 JULY | there is much to do in (precious) little time and it could get overwhelming fast / This is why it's all about focus and discipline here in the exile that is my temporary residence | SATURDAY, AUGUST 11, 2007 196/200 | A topic du jour often leads back to past references, past experiences, past comparisons, dated lessons and all their combined decreasing validities -- this must happen instinctively because logic states that new gets old quick -- therefore a faulty reflex that prevents the absorption of newfound situations, despite repeating patterns / If you believe in history repeating, you might as well just sit back and surrender all control | SUNDAY, AUGUST 12 / OCTOBER 2007 197/200 | La voix dans ma tête est d'un vieil anglais dramatique (à ne pas trop prendre au sérieux), c'est la trame sonore incessante de tout mes moments seuls. Elle me berce dans un vaste jardin anglais froid aux tons mossades de gris, de verts et de rares rouges percants / Le jardin est légèrement décoré d'antiquités, de certaines curiosités quasi-familières aux airs d'illusions et des pièces d'art qui n'ont jamais été terminés / Il y a également une mer brumeuse à l'extérieur qui se révèle en temps opportuns pour faire contraste à la nature riche (mais entretenue) du jardin / I recall the blinding high hedges of the backyard garden, pale greens and gray skies that welcomed me as I finally made it out ]