hail hail the birthday boy

26, though I look 35. Alcohol doesn't help the skin. Torn between change and abandonment. Everyone changes but I mean drastic change. The past comes back with a vengance. Friends visit to celebrate, very flattering then just as 2006 would like it, immediately forgotten. As if worthy punishment. For the first time in years, sadness overbearing makes the birthday seem like any other day. Can't help anyone when you can't help yourself. Negative energy and its' dreadful concequences, instant satisfaction / long term issues. Painful eyelids. Nervous hands, agonal respirations, no room to cope. An attack. Different attacks. Efforts in understanding, losing sight of vital issues. A call from years back, rings like it was yesterday (rang twice). I wasn't able to lie, no point in doing so. "How are you?" - "I'm... terrible, and you?". Five minutes per year, worth being honest. Uncertain residency. Fragile family. Client claims an illness, arises more fear in my own work. Obsolete 2005 self-help texts. Devious insane worthless angst-ridden 2004 observation texts. Exteriorizing violence, not me, never was, short fuse, things break, hands hurt. Wishing escape, worst solution. Avoided last year, necessary this year? And baby makes three. I see escaping as failure. Understanding comes from confrontation. Escape once you've won. Go out with a bang, head high with pride. Missing blank. My ego asks when we can get compensation. My curiosity kills it. Weakness. Makes it pathetic. Wrong path. Fyunal said something about 2002. Necessary breather to gain focus, wait 'til then.