[photo by dea] Ok, here goes... I've been in love twice. Perhaps more enthralled on one occasion than on the other, but all in all, I have to say twice. I've always considered myself to be very old-fashioned when it comes to love and relationships, I believe in the bond, the intimacy, the exclusivity and I have nothing but respect for lovers -- but I've always felt that the term is easily appointed and rarely accurate. There are books, studies and quotes that would like you to believe (or suggest the belief) that love is a result of chemical reactions and that it can only last so long while the illogical, like songs and poems, state the contrary... How curious... I would not be one to say that the heart is anything logical. The studies hold a strong argument to be sure, especially as the beginning stages of any (real) relationship generate such a rich and mysterious sentiment that rarely repeats itself throughout one's life. In all honesty, whether it be true or not, I find it to be an immoral amateurish profit-making endeavor and an easy target at that. You could easily dissect (and capitalize -- remember that) on the chemical effects of death too, though you don't hear about that too much, do you? No, instead we have books on "L'amour dure trois ans.. trois mois... trois semaines" or whatever is fashionable at the time. You can cave in to any logical explanation or you can surrender to mysterious moments of newfound love. I'd pick the latter... and for the record, I fail to understand how one would want to ruin such a pure personal celebration -- with someone else's published perceptions. Perhaps this goes hand in hand with my observation that there are lovers out there who aren't really in love, not unlike lovers who shift sporadically from one lover to another aren't worhty to bare the title. It's not only that I have no respect for cheaters and mistresses, it's that I absolutely loathe them, no exceptions. Beginning stages of relationships are indeed special, it's up to any lover to reinvent/rediscover the flame as time takes its toll on the couple -- and this is in fact true for any type of relationship, for when love is pure, everything is shared; triumphs and obstacles alike. I recall (with vivid passion) two moments of my life (a dark March long ago and a sunny July in recent years) where everything had changed, where I had become another person (a welcomed difference, though some would argue), where songs would take meanings that I had never understood prior to discovering my newfound partner, like all of your senses turned backwards as you dare (and risk) to delve into something foreign... and those glimpses remain. Were those glimpses not personal, I could elaborate further... then again, better not to relive the moment to that degree. The aftermath (if, unfortunately, there is one to be had) sends you back to where/who you were before the "transformation", with half of your soul missing (as if someone had litterally died), to carry a weight of (often) tainted souvenirs, crushed aspirations and plenty of new scars for you to work on. If the burden of an aftermath is light enough for you to effectively brush off, then you must ask yourself just powerful the relationship really was... or we could debate the semantics of one's ability to move on. I've been through this very much. When recently asked to open up and share some of the grief, I did, and it turned out to be a fatal mistake (as if the scars of the initial problem weren't already enough to manage). Live and learn. I feel that I am trully whole when in the sacred bonds of a relationship, as it reaches a secure intimacy, not as if it is a lacking element that would... define me, rather that I can exert a higher potential. As seen here, a certain amount of time has passed since my last seperation and it'll be a while before someone new can capture my interest again (to the dismay of, well, anyone who has an opinion on my life) if only because I have no desire to invest... though also because the only candidate I had in mind left my life as soon as she walked into it (I could be wrong about that, but in retrospect, it was nice to feel that side of me once more). It is a dirty uneven S**** who exists in the meantime (by meantime I mean, until I become more... stable) with various vices caught in situations where I barely have any control. Thankfully, I have my close friends and family, to whom I am not the perfect contributor, but then again, who is. The music will change once more, but not for a while please.
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