completely trashed

Last night was the annual ADISQ after-party, open bars, two floors of different ambiances, chocolate fountains, the amazing view on the fifth floor of the juste-pour-rire, beautiful tipsy women and semi-pretentious Québecois music artists (whom in general, dresses far worse than any non-public figure of our local industry). There were around 1200 people perhaps? I wore an italian cut suit, all black (though I had a white tie and some white glasses a girl gave me), a suit just makes me feel very confident and powerful just strutting from one table to another no matter if I knew anyone or not, alcohol helps but that really is the kind of guy I am. The third floor had a retro vibe, very 70s go go with a classy mezzanine... the fifth floor, in all its' techno heroin blue glory, was far less popular than the third for some reason. It's a shame 'cause you sorta had to go with the crowd... I felt sorry 'cause I insulted Izabelle Desjardins (that musique+ girl) later in the night with a bad joke, really wasn't intentional and she was so nice to me to begin with.. it just didn't come out right and I felt like an immense jerk. Anyway, can't blame the booze (though I lost count around nine). All in all we had lots of fun, made drinking appropriate this time around; like a celebration rather than a random Wednesday night bender (although I collapsed on the front porch when I got back home... like so).

so cold

Not an insane winter cold, just a harmful cold. The early nightfall cold that just makes it seem as though days end abrutly -- it's unsatisfying, leaving you feeling unaccomplished & directionless. Reminders and tempting distractions, all just temporary inconveniences.

w42

Montreal winter coming in slowly. It's like autumn's being skipped. It brings me back to something personal that I'm not eager to share... To me 2005 wasn't even about moving on, it's like I've mentionned countless times on this blog; it's a breather. Guess it's more about staying still. In all honesty, I am envious of those who can move on faster, those who can brush aside the past like it was nothing. More power to them but there's evidently something unhealthy about constant change. I'm not here dissecting it all to death, I'm just "here". My destination has a long road. I can't help but think that I must come off as the pathetic voyager going nowhere -- slowly. It's an ego thing. Why else would I care? It's very obvious. There's a little text I've written to myself, back in March of this year, when I had a correct grasp on my life. I have to go back to it from time to time to set me straight. Everything slowly comes back to perspective. There's a particular passage that I tend to forget, anyone who's ever been hurt is prone to forget. We all fear worst case scenarios but I've found that focusing on the latter is a better way of life.

I listened, motionless and still; And, as I mounted up the hill, The music in my heart I bore, Long after it was heard no more.
[ William Worsdworth : The Solitary Reaper 29 ~ 32 ]

yesterday morning I realized, after driving 300 miles at 90mph to sleep in my own bed, that I’ve become enslaved by a schedule that I myself created - instead of owning my commitments, they own me. so my new mantra is: make time
[ David Pajo : The Pink Hollers Newsletter ~ make time ]

desire fakes suitable love

Went to sleep around 7am this morning (because of : this), got up three hours after that -- very intense week. It's a struggle between various deadlines, caffeine/nicotine and very weak eyelids. There's a written list to my right with several objectives, none of which have been entirely crossed out since the week began. Hopefully I'll be able to add a few pen strokes... someone take me out, I need a beer and some thick red walls.

171005

I just bought coffee from the corner "bio-breakfast" place next to my appartment. Bialetti's and authentic Italian espresso's can turn anyone into a coffee-snob but in the morning; anything caffeinated will do. I'm not looking for an exquisite taste as I wake up -- no I need a bomb to jumpstart my creative mornings. Everyone has their ups and downs during the day, I tend to accomplish more in the morning than later in the day (though I do get lots of work done very late at night -- go figure). Afternoons are awful, I'll often opt for a change of scenery too, just to get my mind off things. Unless I work abroad, people from the States will call during the afternoon here and at that point, people in Europe are ready to call it a day. There were times this past summer where I would start working around 3 or 4am just to ensure that I could make London happy. You know, just to get that "cheers". Tomorrow night we'll be at xxxxxx after midnight to record some tracks for Le Soir, just taking advantage of the late hours to create as much as possible. Makes for one hell of a rewarding week. Everything else is business, requires more of the latter to be fulfilled.

l'Adisq 2005

C'est le temps de plonger dans l'Adisq encore une fois, rien contre l'Adisq personellement, aucun gala-remise-de-prix de parfait encore moins leurs after-parties... La mode de blasté l'Adisq c'est simple, dans le mainstream québecois; c'est tout ce qu'on a. L'Adisq au moins prend la peine à l'occasion de souligner les artistes mentionnés ont payés, c'est pas nécéssairement LA meilleure vente au Québec; c'est la meilleure vente INSCRITE à L'Adisq. Infopresse / Grafika en découragent plusieurs avec cette présentation là. Si tu peux avaler que l'Adisq célèbre l'industrie avant l'artiste, tu peux mieux l'apprécié. Et c'est correct. C'est pas invisible. Ce qui est déplorable par contre c'est la face graphique qu'on associe aux projets nominés (j'ai été indirectement nominé en 2003, gala industrie hors d'ondes), spécifiquement le disque au Québec. On le fait tous, on plonge dans une vieille solution marketing direct québecois établie il y a très longtemps tiré à défaut du fait qu'on est PEU au Québec (pour éventuellement relancer la campagne en France et prétendre qu'on a vendu des disques de manière significative là-bas : ie: Natasha St-Pier). Est-ce une bonne excuse pour designer une pièce horriblement cliché marketing dans-ta-face? Peut-être qu'on peut juste pas changer cette vieille machine là ici au Québec, les consomateurs accèptent pas le changement / ou peut-être n'est-t-il pas assez proposé? On design pour ce qu'ils interprètent comme étant les "imbéciles de banlieus profondes": « Tiens, v'là la face de ton artiste jouale musique réchauffé répétitive directement sur le cover de ton CD ». J'ai jamais été fier d'avoir travailler pour Isabelle Boulay, j'suis certain qu'Arianne Moffat m'aurait permis d'éviter ce sentier là AU DÉPEND de ses ventes? Qui sait. En même temps c'est une forme d'art de VISER LA CIBLE À FOND, PLONGER dans ce genre de design anti-audacieux "Zellers Friendly" et ce seulement parceque tu réussi à tombé dans le moulle. Je tiens juste à dire qu'on devrait pas en être fier du tout, rien contre le Gala, tout ces défauts ont été exposés sans cèsse, ça arrête pas la machine. Bon Gala!

[ update ] J'ai eu un email concernant ce blog là, j'ai pas pensé que j'aurais à approfondir sur le côté pratique de la médaille (sois la chaîne énorme de travail qui constitue à la sortie d'un disque résultant ainsi à un produit qui va compromettre sa beauté avant sa rentabilité), de là aussi le côté artistique de viser dans le mille, presque hillarant dans certains cercles -- mais comme dans n'importequoi, y'a moyen de faire une balance mais ici au Québec en général c'est même pas dû aux producteurs/relationistes/distributeusr/labels (et ça non seulement pour le "adult contemporary") c'est une question de paresse et d'être sain et sauf dans un moulle. Facile à comprendre, dure de s'en défaire. J'fais pas mon idéaliste, mais beaucoup le pensent.

eu e voce

Can't wait until that's meaningful once more -- that really came out spontaneously, in fact I certainly can wait, for a very long time at that. And it has nothing to do with waiting either. No desire whatsoever, more like no expectations. Je m'avais promis quelques années. I think the title may have just come up representing the past more than the future. Could be the weather, the music -- it brings me back. I'm just sorry it can't bring me back someplace nice.
Now, who's fault is that hmm?
[ ref: Autumn in NY & Embracable You ~ Stan Getz & Joao Gilberto 6m34s - 6m44s ]

cible

Right here looking at my bed; the sheets are all mixed up, there's an acoustic guitar on it, some clothes & a book -- all of which I fell asleep with/next to last night. Really makes for awful slumber. It never is satisfying sleep either, I know insomnia's a huge « trend » now or something but it has alot to do with the morning after. Every wake is a sudden burst of stress, like my daily agenda rushes to brain for one hell of a bad start. Heart pumping adrenaline stressful start. Makes me even more greatful for my roomate's coffee. This is one hell of a typical blog isn't it? Whine whine and more wine. Another trend is the bottle, drugs even -- they do help you sleep, I mean it's hypocritical to say otherwise -- it's a bad habit but it works. It really works. I haven't done so in over a year now but I can still say it. I'll say this too, I don't fall asleep... I collapse to sleep. It's a good way to ensure that I won't be turning around over and over for hours while my mind goes back and forth, heart palpitations towards anxiety -- loosing sleep over things I can't change. Collapse to sleep, boom, no thought, just pure exhaustion and you're out for the count. Something else that makes me sleep better, very simple and common; sleeping next to my lover. And I don't mean a deep sleep after sex, to me anyway, that changes nothing. I mean lying next to and sharing a bed (your intimacy) with the one you love. I'll settle for the collapse in the meantime.

maybe by the end of the year

A month late for a self-imposed deadline, for 4th edition of the fatigue show; a concert series of semi-acoustic artists right here in Montreal that I started in April 2001. Started out strong with two very sold out intimate events and the third in the harshest of times a year ago. The show was brilliant but I'll take the blame for the lack of spectators. My intent was to organize another one before the end of August -- at this point I don't even have a venue yet. A few suggestions, yes, but no specifc club. There is so much to consider, the look of the venue, the capacity, the location, availability -- and most importantly the arrangments with the venue's staff. I hire venues the same way I conduct business : all backwards. It would be so easy, not only for me but for every musician involved to simply cross out this edition and it's not like it creates a "wave" throughout our musical community, no far from it, it's our best kept secret, like a bar you wish no one will go to so that you can keep it to yourself -- this event is personal to me. The whole point is a personal exchange. Making arrangments for this next show is an effort most of us can't afford to do, which is why it's oh so important. Do you understand?